Out with the old, In with the new.

Well guess what, i've turned an age older, and i'm 21 years of age now! I am legally able to drink alcohol in America lol. My birthday just passed, yesterday and i don't feel any older or anything in fact i actually feel quite the same, if not even worst then what i actually came into all of this. There has always been one thing that has been constantly on my mind and constantly beating me down into a pulp and i feel like i'm being drained each time i try and try to accomodate to this one thing. I really don't know what to do anymore, i really think there is nothing that i can do to possible make this situation any better in time.

I feel in love with a girl, and she was the world, she was everything to me, everything that i wanted in a girl, i found in her. Nothing was wrong with her, she was intelligent, she was kind, caring and she was there for me 100% of the way. I find she was perfect because she adapted to the lifestyle of which i lived, she made me feel comfortable each time we spoke, saw and each time we were out together. She was never boastful about things and she put up with my crap for quite some time and i thank her for that, i know the shit kept coming and coming and thats when it all went downhill. There was a time when i really thought i knew what i was doing, and that time really went past me like nothing and i didn't realise anything of what i was doing and this is what tipped the iceberg over with everything else that has happened, this is what pushed her over the edge and it was all downhill from there. I'm sorry for the things that i did, but right now if i could take things back, i would 100% and have things back to normal, because right now things are beyond normal they are quite the opposite and it has been killing the inside of me because out of anything i want right now, is for you to be in my life, and after speaking with you and having to accept that what we have is in limbo, its quite disappointing that it has come to how things are now. I guess things do happen for a reason, and having this time to reflect on my life up until now, that i'm 21 now and and got a whole lot of life ahead of me, instead of stressing myself out right now, i want to be able to enjoy the time i have with her, with friends, with family and everyone than to feel this lost feeling inside of me. I really do feel like i've lost a part of me during this whole time and i really need to focus on myself now. Honestly after reflecting on all of this, i've realised i've pushed a lot of the people who were close to me away, and i've been that person where i've tried to control things, and situations where i've dealt with them all before that i don't want to go through it again, maybe that was my mistake, maybe i should of just let it all go when things started to go bad, i didn't mean to hurt you nor did i mean to make things happen like this and i'm complaining about how things should be different and how things should be better than what they are now and how i never pictured a friendship to be like this and such a stressful time that its given you the only option than to become distant with me. And this is my problem, i never knew what i was doing. Oblivious to the surroundings and feelings that i hurt, and i took it all for granted. Honestly, I can't help that i'm not the 'perfect guy', i know i'm not like everyone else, and i guess i just thought that i really made you smile and laugh, and i never wanted you hurt you the way i did, it's not fair on you and i accept the faults i have. I guess there isn't much that we can do right now because the feelings you have for me, isn't so much more than a nanogram, and you've always asked me why do you still talk to me? And all i'm left with is me speechless and wondering why have i been controlling and obsessed over the smallest things that make us fight, when i've always known what i'm doing thats causing such tension between us. I guess these feelings have taken control over me.
Forgive me.

So 21, lets start over and out with the old, and in with the new.

I bid you adieu, 20 years of my life down the drain.

To make you see.

You're hearts a mess.
You won't admit to it.
It makes no sense,
But i'm desperate to connect.
And you, you can't live like this.

I love you.

I just recently watched the new transformers 2 movie - revenge of the fallen, and i really didn't expect what i was going to watch because i've heard mixed reviews about it that it's good and its ok and it's not that great and i had to watch it for myself and put all the reviews to rest and as a result, i thought that the movie was really good!

It has good action scenes, it was consistent and there wasn't a dull moment in the movie, even the babes that were in the film, megan fox and isabel lucas being two of the main characters, there isn't a moment in the movie where you wouldn't be happy watching especially if you were a guy. There were those slow mo scenes where megan fox would be running from decepticons and then you got the steamy scene of isabel lucas steaming up the camera when she dominates sam in his room and you catch a glimpse of her legs and panties as shes working sam. Quite the exciting scene :D then it kind of just anti-climax as you find out shes a transformer and she has a tongue thats 5 metres long and pretty much she gets axed by megan fox. Very hot. Another scene that i enjoyed is when megan fox dresses down as sam goes to college and she breaks up with him over the phone then sam persuades her to be with him and she comes in leathers and very masculine outfit then dresses down for him in a nice feminine white dress. WOW!

Another good scene i would say is when optimus prime axes 3 decepticons and then he gets axed himself as he's trying to save sam.

I recommend to watch this movie if you are a transformers fan, and there will definitely be another one as megatron didn't die in this movie and he said that he'll be back with starscream as well. Can't wait for more megan fox hopefully!

P.s in the scene where megan and shia are proclaiming their love for each other, megan asked shia to say it first, i have to admit that i gasped out 'i love you' to myself in the cinema. LOL! :P

You're hearts a mess.

I've been feeling a mix range of emotions lately, there has been a lot happening in my life that i am happy with and i'm not happy with, and i feel like blogging about this is some sort of vent since i can't seem to vent with anyone else, like this is the one reason why i started to blog, because either way i knew that writing it down would help me vent and also remember for future references in case i needed to go back on. Like i don't think anyone else is reading this blog, so for me, it really doesn't matter because i know no one is reading but if people are i guess then its alright. I dont think i mention any names, that i don't need to mention so relax for those who think im talking about them.

Anyways, i'm feeling an indifferent mood at the moment, there has been a few things that are on my mind, but i won't go into them but i really feel quite out of it and just meh about a few things. I don't know why i'm feeling so indifferent about a certain issue that has happened but i just think that things could really be better when it comes to it, like I feel that sometimes my voice isn't getting heard as much, or as the person that means well, and that its getting heard as the nagging, annoying person. I know i can be a bit full on and a little controlling, and i feel like that's just who i am. My personality i think is someone that is concern about things that go on in ones life and when it comes to people i really care about, the concern intensifies a bit and i'd like to know things more, i guess it's just me and i know you don't like the way i am, i guess its just there is feelings for you as well and i can't help but show my concern and caringness in this way, but i feel sometimes that it doesn't go down well and i find it quite hard to control how i try and express my feelings and that i get the impression that it's nothing good.

What can i do, i'm trying to control myself but its so hard when we both want different things and that i'm trying to maintain this relationship with you to a standard where we both are happy and i know that things has happened in the past but its something that i will never let happen again and it's quite hard to compete with other people for your attention and time, and i guess it's just something i have to put up with but i feel like this is eating away at me slowly and i'm hurting that i cannot spend the time with you because of other factors in your life that stop us from hanging out. I know we will see each other and we have discussed why it's been such a slow process but it's just very hard when all i want is to see you.

Hmm..

I'm back!

So there has been a lack of posting lately, but let me tell you, i've been dying to blog since having a break, there has been a lot of things that has come into my mind that i've been wanting to express lately. Let me tell you that the only reason why i haven't posted is because i've recently moved and moving is such a pain in the ass its quite frustrating to get the internet back up and also getting settled in again, but i'm back and ready to continue from where i left off.

I'll just point form what has been happening in my life, just because there might be a bit to write and i've got to head off soon.

- So as you know i've recently moved houses, so i've been quite busy with settling in and also re painting my room again. It's quite calm and cool :)

- I've also been out of action in work for a while so been busy trying to look for work, and its quite hard i mean my birthday is coming up and there are friends birthdays coming up and one in particular where i'm looking to dig deep into my wallet and i'm scared that it won't happen but we'll see hey.

- Recently just got accepted into TAFE for a Graphic Design Foundation course which is pretty exciting because lately i've been on the fence with what i want to do in my life where it is working full time because i really need the finances to be back up because i'm looking into buying a house so i don't have to move again.. OR study full time and by the end of it all, get a job and be qualified for a good graphic design job. What to do, what to do!

- My birthday is coming up as well, and i'm turning 21!

I'll be blogging more about other things later on tonight, i'll catch up!

x

It's quite funny

How everything seems different..

Questioned

Have you ever questioned some of the people around you, and wondered if they were doing whatever they were doing for personal gain, i sometimes feel that its always about who you know, and what you know and it's always about the status. I experience a lot of this 'personal gain' from going out on the weekend with a lot of people trying to get to the top when it comes to djing or knowing the top dogs who runs the party. Its quite ridiculous how far status or whatever you may have that someone is interested in will get you, say you're a DJ and you are a respected DJ in the music industry or scene, a person will do whatever they can to get a free drink, to get into the VIP or to get into the coolest parties for future reference. I find it quite fucked up, i mean you would expect to be friends with so and so, but then again what goes through the mind that you want to do something to get somewhere, and the other person wouldn't know especially if its a girl, you know what i mean.

It's quite odd, and silly.

Kinda question if the people around you, do whatever they do for you or with you for the right reasons or not.. I wonder.