Well guess what, i've turned an age older, and i'm 21 years of age now! I am legally able to drink alcohol in America lol. My birthday just passed, yesterday and i don't feel any older or anything in fact i actually feel quite the same, if not even worst then what i actually came into all of this. There has always been one thing that has been constantly on my mind and constantly beating me down into a pulp and i feel like i'm being drained each time i try and try to accomodate to this one thing. I really don't know what to do anymore, i really think there is nothing that i can do to possible make this situation any better in time.
I feel in love with a girl, and she was the world, she was everything to me, everything that i wanted in a girl, i found in her. Nothing was wrong with her, she was intelligent, she was kind, caring and she was there for me 100% of the way. I find she was perfect because she adapted to the lifestyle of which i lived, she made me feel comfortable each time we spoke, saw and each time we were out together. She was never boastful about things and she put up with my crap for quite some time and i thank her for that, i know the shit kept coming and coming and thats when it all went downhill. There was a time when i really thought i knew what i was doing, and that time really went past me like nothing and i didn't realise anything of what i was doing and this is what tipped the iceberg over with everything else that has happened, this is what pushed her over the edge and it was all downhill from there. I'm sorry for the things that i did, but right now if i could take things back, i would 100% and have things back to normal, because right now things are beyond normal they are quite the opposite and it has been killing the inside of me because out of anything i want right now, is for you to be in my life, and after speaking with you and having to accept that what we have is in limbo, its quite disappointing that it has come to how things are now. I guess things do happen for a reason, and having this time to reflect on my life up until now, that i'm 21 now and and got a whole lot of life ahead of me, instead of stressing myself out right now, i want to be able to enjoy the time i have with her, with friends, with family and everyone than to feel this lost feeling inside of me. I really do feel like i've lost a part of me during this whole time and i really need to focus on myself now. Honestly after reflecting on all of this, i've realised i've pushed a lot of the people who were close to me away, and i've been that person where i've tried to control things, and situations where i've dealt with them all before that i don't want to go through it again, maybe that was my mistake, maybe i should of just let it all go when things started to go bad, i didn't mean to hurt you nor did i mean to make things happen like this and i'm complaining about how things should be different and how things should be better than what they are now and how i never pictured a friendship to be like this and such a stressful time that its given you the only option than to become distant with me. And this is my problem, i never knew what i was doing. Oblivious to the surroundings and feelings that i hurt, and i took it all for granted. Honestly, I can't help that i'm not the 'perfect guy', i know i'm not like everyone else, and i guess i just thought that i really made you smile and laugh, and i never wanted you hurt you the way i did, it's not fair on you and i accept the faults i have. I guess there isn't much that we can do right now because the feelings you have for me, isn't so much more than a nanogram, and you've always asked me why do you still talk to me? And all i'm left with is me speechless and wondering why have i been controlling and obsessed over the smallest things that make us fight, when i've always known what i'm doing thats causing such tension between us. I guess these feelings have taken control over me.
Forgive me.
So 21, lets start over and out with the old, and in with the new.
I bid you adieu, 20 years of my life down the drain.
